A. All Saint's Day
B. the first day of November
C. the start of Christmas season!
The majority of people hate other people who start listening to Christmas music right after Halloween, when pumpkin seeds are still fresh from the oven, when costumes are still lying on the floor, and when pumpkins are still sitting on the porch. Instead of tossing you into the joys of the best season of the year, how about we take the time to recognize Christmas' worst music.
Believe it or not, there's a lot of it. So for all you Scrooges out there, let's celebrate the worst of Christmas as we clean up our house's from Halloween.
10. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by anyone who sings it.
A song about an old, gray, bearded man who loves children and knows they are sleeping, he knows when they're awake, and he knows when they've been bad or good. Chris Hansen should be all over this song because this dude is apparently coming to town, so you better hide your kids...
9. "Christmas Shoes" by NewSong
Ah. Nothing says a season of joy like "Christmas Shoes," a song about a boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother on Christmas Eve. If that doesn't put you in the Christmas spirit, then I don't know what does. Not only is the song completely ruined by a group of children singing, it will kill any kind of Christmasy buzz you might have. Daddy says there's not much time, you see, Mommy's been sick for quite a while and I know these shoes will make her smile because the boy wants her to look beautiful before she meets Jesus tonight.
Merry Christmas from NewSong!
8. "Frosty the Snowman" by anyone who sings it.
I think it's creepy that the snowman in my backyard came to life one day. Now I know how that kid from the depressing Christmas movie "Jack Frost" felt when his Frosty the Snowman came to life with Michael Keaton's voice. How come that song wasn't the theme for the movie? Who knows. Just when you thanked baby Jesus for warm weather and that creepy snowman following you, just remember, he'll back again some day.
7. "Santa Baby" by anyone who sings the song.
There is an unwritten rule that if you sing "Santa Baby" you have to sing it in your whiniest, obnoxious voice possible. If you're a guy, sing it raspy. If you're a girl, sing it slutty. What makes the song even worse is if a guy sings it like the band Everclear. It's already horrible when I woman sings it because all you can think about is how much she wants some lovin' and it makes you feel dirty. Christmas is about giving and the birth of Jesus. Not how much you want Santa.
6. "Linus and Lucy"
This song doesn't have any words and it's one of the most obnoxious Christmas songs. No jingle bells or ho ho hos, just a fast piano part that has nothing to do with Christmas, except the fact it was in a Charlie Brown Christmas movie.
5. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by anyone who sings it
...and hide your wives...
Hopefully Daddy signed a prenup because Santa is getting with Mommy. What's up with all these moms wanting Santa? See parents, this is why your kids won't go to sleep on Christmas Eve. They know weird stuff is happening under that mistletoe.
4. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by anyone who sings it.
...and hide your grandmas...
Santa is seriously out of control. And who in their right mind would make poor Grandma walk home in the freezing cold when she's obviously drunk off eggnog? This song is the peppy version of the "Christmas Shoes."
3. "Feliz Navidad" by anyone who sings it.
I'm sure the republicans hate this song too, "this is America! Learn English." It's not because the half the song is in Spanish, it's because this song is just that annoying. Why? Simple. When they aren't speaking Spanish, all they're singing is "I want to wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart." Thanks, but no thanks. If you want to wish me a merry Christmas, freaking sing a better song. This song just makes me want to go out and by the new Justin Bieber Christmas album because I'm sure that's even better than this song.
2. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by that obnoxious kid
My ears. The kid clearly isn't in his church's choir. The song doesn't need any explanation why it's horrible. Just listen to it. I bet you won't finish it. Parents, just when you think and iPad was bad...
1. "Hula Hoop" by The Chipmunks
It's the song that defaces all Christmas music, a song that makes Jesus roll in his grave, and a song that the radio feels to play every other song. Because if you can't stand a minute of just watching the Chipmunks on TV, they have a song that will make you want to guzzling down Grandma's eggnog (just don't walk home or Santa will run over you). The noise, the voices, and what the hell are they saying and why hasn't anyone put a cork in their mouths? That's what I want for Christmas. Screw the Christmas shoes and the hippo, give me three corks!
Maybe without these songs, people would enjoy Christmas music more.
oh my gosh I can't stand the "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" song. The singer's voice is son nasally sounding that my only instinctive reaction is to cover my ears and run from the source of the song. What's worse is that those around me know I can't stand that song and thus between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day I'm stuck hearing that song
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