AMA's: The good, bad and the ugly

Last night, musicians flocked to the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles for the American Music Awards. It was a night that could easily be forgotten like all AMA's.

Best Performance

Hands down Katy Perry. Any time she performs without back tracking is a highlight of an award show. Perry performed an acoustic version of her new single "The One That Got Away" with her pink guitar that matched her pink dress and pink Bruno Mars-styled hairdo. She sang and played a song. That's rare. She even won a special award for the first female to have five number one songs on a record.

See what happens when you sing and play an instrument? Good karma follows you.

Worse Performance

Nicki Minaj.

Hon, we can all get up on a stage and sing over ourselves. The only thing that separates you from us is that you can't paid millions of dollars to do it. The award show kicked off with Minaj in Gaga-esque attire--instead of a sparkling bra, she had sparkling butt cheeks. Very original. Very Gaga. The infamous backtrack made its first apperances last night just three seconds into the show where Minaj failed to sing. Instead, she sang over her own track and chose to sing only half of her songs.

Because it's extremely hard to sing a chorus. So hard that you need a backtrack as you stand up there dancing to it.


Longest time for someone to accept an award

Nick Minaj.

The lip syncer took a good minute to walk from backstage to the center of the stage to accept her award for Rap/Hip Hop artist. She slowly scuttled her way in a emerald green dress, extremely high heels and an escort attached to her arm. If that show delayed the networks next scheduled program, it was because of Nicki Minaj.

The awkward moment when...

Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera are forced to sing together.

The two singers don't like each other, to say the least, from working on "The Voice" together. They mustered up the courage to sing their song "Moves Like Jagger" with each not sending awkward tension into the air so strong, viewers at home could feel it.

People too good for the award show

Country band The Band Perry and Kelly Clarkson.

Clarkson basically flipped the bird when she hired The Newsies to announce all the "scandal" the press has given her (if she's gay or straight, if her album is pop or country). She sang her new single "Mr. Know It All" in 40s-styled attire and set.  And then The Band Perry sang their smash hit "If I Die Young," receiving a standing ovation from the crowd. This could either be the result of two things 1) They were just plain amazing. 2) They came after Justin Beiber's snoozefest performance of "Mistletoe."

The other awkward moment when...

LMFAO closed the show by singing "Party Rock Anthem/ I'm Sexy and I know It," ripping off their pants to reveal their smiley faced underwear. It was decent and fun, but then everything was ruined when Bieber made another apperances by running on stage and dancing. If that was awkward, well, leave it to David Hasselhoff to take off his pants.

Only in Germany can you pull that off Hoff.

Night's Biggest Winners

Good, bad or ugly, Taylor Swift, Adele and everyone's favorite drunken lip syncer Nicki Minaj won big. Continuing her winning streak, Swift won Country Female Artist, Country Album and the night's highest honor, Artist of the Year. Unfortunately, Adele wasn't able to accept her awards for Pop/Rock Artist, Adult Contemporary Artist and Pop/Rock album on an account that she's recovery from throat surgery. And Minaj, barely sober during the whole show, won Rap/Hip Hop Artist and Rap/Hip Hop Album.  

Thank you Katy Perry for your music videos

The art of a music video is to bring your lyrics and melodies to life in the same way a movie brings a screenplay/novel to life.

Sounds simple, right? Then why are there so many music videos out there that don't follow this simple concept?

We have gotten over the horrendous '80s phase with musicians dancing around in front of a plain white screen. That might sound boring, but don't forget their Flock of Seagulls hairdos, overuse of Aquanet, and their hideous  '80s attire to the video. Not story structure. Just people singing their song in horrible fashion.

Michael Jackson started the whole thing when he made a five hour, I mean, 14 minute long music video, to his hit song "Thriller." It was everything a music video should be. It made the song a story, a move--a music video.

 As much as I love Lady GaGa and thought her music video to "Telephone" was pure genius (minus the ad placements), her videos have gotten so far off track that it scares me. The video doesn't tell a story, it's not a mini movie to her songs, so what's the point? Still to this day, the absolutely worse music video is Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Going Down," a song about jealousy. So they have a guy with antlers who likes a girl. This all happens when the band flies around all over place, playing guitar.

If one artist does music videos right today, surprisingly, it's Katy Perry...with the exception of "California Gurls." Today, she just released her music video to her new single "The One That Got Away," and shocker, it tells a story. An older Perry remembers the one that got away, flashing back to when she was younger and dating a boy. Not only does it tell a story, the cinematography resembles an indie film, which is always a plus.

"The One That Got Away" isn't the only well done music video Perry's made. Videos like "Thinking of You," "Teenage Dream," "Firework," and even the weird "E.T." all have to do with the lyrics in the song. "Thinking of You" references a couple scenes from the movie "The Notebook," but tells a story about Perry missing her boyfriend who is in the army around WW II. "Teenage Dream"  jas Perry and her music video boyfriend riding in a car, hanging out with a couple teenagers. "Firework" shows Perry singing about troubles, alternating back from her and kids having a hard time with their home lives...plus her bra that shoots out fireworks.

And then there's "E.T." (extra terrestrial), which has Perry as an alien. Not the best story structure, but at least her song wasn't about an alien and then in the video, she walks around with antlers.

No product placement, no bizarre scenes symbolizing rebirth like in GaGa's "Born This Way." Just a simple video that bring the songs to life visually. That's all people want. No antlers. Just a story.

Long story short, thank you Katy Perry and to your music video directors. You do music videos right. Keep it up.

Nickelback to ruin Detroit's Thanksgiving

Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like a table filled with America’s favorite feasting foods, reuniting with your favorite dysfunctional family members and hearing the sweet sounds of Nickelback, serenading you as you munch away on a plateful of turkey.

That’s how Detroit might celebrate Thanksgiving, at least. Just when you thought sitting with your family and/or your in-laws was bad, the Motor City found a different way to torture you on the holidays.

The band known for their overplayed music and horrendous voices, that make Rebecca Black and Miley Cyrus sound like Celine Dion and Whitney Houston, are not occupying Wall Street, but plan on occupying Detroit’sThanksgiving game half time show.

Come on, Detroit. You’re already known for being the worst team in football history (once upon a time), your 0-16 record engraved on the Pro Football Hall of Fame for the rest of eternity. You really need to punish your 6-2 team and your excited fans with Nickelback? Really? Do you have ears? Go out and celebrate that awesome record with.

Fans are so upset, they are signing an online petition to have the Lions boot the band back to Canada.

Can’t you please your city with Eminem, Kid Rock, Bob Seger, Alice Cooper or show a little respect with Aretha Franklin?

This is America. Nickelback doesn’t even celebrate Thanksgiving! Reason 23135 why they should come.

Maybe Baby Jesus will bless the city with an early Christmas miracle. Let’s celebrate America with football, food and good music—with a band that actually celebrates Thanksgiving and that doesn't sound like an elephant slowly dying.

The Maury Show: The Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift edition

Just in a couple days of each other, celebrity good girl and good boy have rumors circling around them.

Maury asked Justin if he was the father of a four month old baby, claimed by a 20 year old fan, Mariah Yeater. Of course, he said no--or tweeted it.

It is the 21st century after all.

What happens in the Staple Center, stays in the Staple Center...sometimes. Yeater claims she and Justin had a thing after one of his shows last year and now claims he his the father of her baby.

She is taking legal action against him, demanding that he take a paternity test.


Yeater pulled a January Jones. Not only did she leave the father's name blank on the birth certificate, she's claiming a successful celebrity (who just so happens to have release his Christmas CD yesterday) is the father of her baby--like how the press thinks Ashton Kutcher (who just so happens to be Charlie Sheen's replacement on "Two and a Half Men") is the father of Jones' baby.

Because Bliebers, the way to Justin's heart is to announce to the world he is the father of your baby. Yeah, he'll get right on that.

Justin tweeted, "So I'm going to ignore the rumors...and focus on what is real. an opportunity to help by doing what i love. Judge me on the music! Love yall!"

Don't worry, Justin. Your fans belieb you.

Wonder how his girlfriend Selena Gomez feels. He did, after all, rent out the Staples Center so the two could watch Rose letting go of Jack. Guess the Staples Center is his wingman.

And then there is Taylor Swift who may or may not have pulled a Vanessa Hutchins. Over the weekend, Celebrity Jihad posted a nude photo of the country singer. The site is known for being a little bizarre. It says its a satirical website, given a disclaimer on the page.  Despite Swift threatening to take legal action against the site, Celebrity Jihad still has the photo up, but will only take it down under one condition.

If Swift converts to Islam, and if she sacrifices a goat and "devour its entrails."

It's like The Onion gone wrong.

Swift is currently on tour, wearing kitten shirts and singing songs with no profanity in them. Her monologue song for her first ever hosting gig on SNL was about how she loves things that smell like winter and glitter. Singing songs about Joe Jonas and John Mayer are the most scandalous things she has done.

Guess you're not considered a celebrity until someone starts a rumor about you. Welcome to Hollywood.

10 Worst Christmas Songs

It's Nov. 1, and to you it either means
A. All Saint's Day
B. the first day of November
C. the start of Christmas season!

The majority of people hate other people who start listening to Christmas music right after Halloween, when pumpkin seeds are still fresh from the oven, when costumes are still lying on the floor, and when pumpkins are still sitting on the porch. Instead of tossing you into the joys of the best season of the year, how about we take the time to recognize Christmas' worst music.

Believe it or not, there's a lot of it. So for all you Scrooges out there, let's celebrate the worst of Christmas as we clean up our house's from Halloween.

10. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by anyone who sings it.

A song about an old, gray, bearded man who loves children and knows they are sleeping, he knows when they're awake, and he knows when they've been bad or good. Chris Hansen should be all over this song because this dude is apparently coming to town, so you better hide your kids...

9. "Christmas Shoes" by NewSong

Ah. Nothing says a season of joy like "Christmas Shoes," a song about a boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother on Christmas Eve. If that doesn't put you in the Christmas spirit, then I don't know what does. Not only is the song completely ruined by a group of children singing, it will kill any kind of Christmasy buzz you might have. Daddy says there's not much time, you see, Mommy's been sick for quite a while and I know these shoes will make her smile because the boy wants her to look beautiful before she meets Jesus tonight.

Merry Christmas from NewSong!

8. "Frosty the Snowman" by anyone who sings it.

I think it's creepy that the snowman in my backyard came to life one day. Now I know how that kid from the depressing Christmas movie "Jack Frost" felt when his Frosty the Snowman came to life with Michael Keaton's voice. How come that song wasn't the theme for the movie? Who knows. Just when you thanked baby Jesus for warm weather and that creepy snowman following you, just remember, he'll back again some day.

7. "Santa Baby" by anyone who sings the song.

There is an unwritten rule that if you sing "Santa Baby" you have to sing it in your whiniest, obnoxious voice possible. If you're a guy, sing it raspy. If you're a girl, sing it slutty. What makes the song even worse is if a guy sings it like the band Everclear. It's already horrible when I woman sings it because all you can think about is how much she wants some lovin' and it makes you feel dirty. Christmas is about giving and the birth of Jesus. Not how much you want Santa.

6. "Linus and Lucy"

This song doesn't have any words and it's one of the most obnoxious Christmas songs. No jingle bells or ho ho hos, just a fast piano part that has nothing to do with Christmas, except the fact it was in a Charlie Brown Christmas movie.

5. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by anyone who sings it

...and hide your wives...

Hopefully Daddy signed a prenup because Santa is getting with Mommy. What's up with all these moms wanting Santa? See parents, this is why your kids won't go to sleep on Christmas Eve. They know weird stuff is happening under that mistletoe.

4. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by anyone who sings it.

...and hide your grandmas...

Santa is seriously out of control. And who in their right mind would make poor Grandma walk home in the freezing cold when she's obviously drunk off eggnog? This song is the peppy version of the "Christmas Shoes."

3. "Feliz Navidad" by anyone who sings it.

I'm sure the republicans hate this song too, "this is America! Learn English." It's not because the half the song is in Spanish, it's because this song is just that annoying. Why? Simple. When they aren't speaking Spanish, all they're singing is "I want to wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart." Thanks, but no thanks. If you want to wish me a merry Christmas, freaking sing a better song. This song just makes me want to go out and by the new Justin Bieber Christmas album because I'm sure that's even better than this song.

2. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by that obnoxious kid

My ears. The kid clearly isn't in his church's choir. The song doesn't need any explanation why it's horrible. Just listen to it. I bet you won't finish it. Parents, just when you think and iPad was bad...

1. "Hula Hoop" by The Chipmunks

It's the song that defaces all Christmas music, a song that makes Jesus roll in his grave, and a song that the radio feels to play every other song. Because if you can't stand a minute of just watching the Chipmunks on TV, they have a song that will make you want to guzzling down Grandma's eggnog (just don't walk home or Santa will run over you). The noise, the voices, and what the hell are they saying and why hasn't anyone put a cork in their mouths? That's what I want for Christmas. Screw the Christmas shoes and the hippo, give me three corks!

Maybe without these songs, people would enjoy Christmas music more.

Let's talk...the disaster also known as the VMA's

The VMA's are known to be a little "out there." Maybe Kayne didn't interrupt anyone (but Katy Perry sure put him in his place), but the 2011 Video Music Awards were, um, trippy and just plain bad.

Seriously, was there anyone there who wasn't on drugs? The special effects experienced an acid trip. What did Kevin Hart say in the opening? Lady GaGa was a dude, people voted for Britney Spears over Adele, the same people voted for the Foo Fighters over Foster the People, The Black Keys and Mumford & Sons. GaGa gave Britney a special award and said SHE looked up to HER. Nicki Minaj tried so hard (and failed) to be GaGa (who was MIA 'cause she was a dude) and Justin Bieber thought he looked good in those glasses.

And Katy Perry wore a cheddar cheese cube on her head...because, well, we all have that moment in life where we wear are favorite cheese flavors on our head.

Hey Katy, Wisconsin called. They want their cheese back.

Award That Resembled the Whole Esperanza Spalding Grammy Incident

Best New Artist:
Wiz Khalifa
Foster the People
Some dude with Chris Brown
Random Crazy Chick
And some creator

The winner is...Wiz Khalifa. Foster the People. The creator dude...oh, TYLER, the Creator. Ok, who the hell are you? What have you sung? And why are you wearing a tie-dye T-shirt with a cat on it?

Best Performance

Adele.

Why? Simple. You could understand what she was saying. When Kayne and Jay-Z came out, I think they needed to invest in some closed captions because everything they were rapping sounded like a mumbled mess. Chris Brown didn't even sing, as usual, and Jessie J was confined to the chair the whole night.

Adele has a voice of an angel. Compare it to Kayne's performance, then Adele, Kayne. Adele. You'll hear the difference.

Best Example of Why Choice Awards Are Not Always Pleasurable to Watch

Britney Spears beat out Adele and Bruno Mars.

How many times do we have to say that Britney Spears has absolutely no talent? She doesn't write her songs, she doesn't sing, she doesn't play any instruments, and I'm almost positive she doesn't even know what a treble clef is. We are giving awards to a woman who lip syncs, uses auto-tune, has the voice of a chipmunk, who attempts to dance (and fails like Nicki Minaj in her...whatever she was wearing). It's like awarding bad behavior. Would a mother give her kid a cookie after they finger painted the walls? No? Ok, stop giving her Moonmen.


Best "I Secretly Hate You But the Cameras Are On Me So I Have To Pretend Like I Don't" Moment


Katy Perry and Kayne accepting Best Collaboration.

Let's take a trip down memory lane.

It's September 2009, and Kayne West just interrupted Taylor Swift's speech. "Yo, Taylor..." (with that creepy, awkward hairdo that screams douche bag (hence, toast to the douche bags song))...and the rest is history.

Katy Perry (along with the rest of America) takes to her Twitter account (because that's the modern way of showing how much you hate someone (like this blog)) and tweets, "F... u, Kayne. It's like you stepped on a kitten."

Flash-forward to last night, and Perry says, "Now, this is the time when you want to interrupt me, Kayne. Oh my goodness, it's nothing like your first Moonman, right?"

Kayne cowered in the corner, gave a sly smile and thanked God, Katy Perry and Chris Brown.

Own it, Mrs. Russell Brand America's Dairyland.

Best Moment So Awkward, It Makes Britney Seem Normal

Lady GaGa dressed as a dude with a major under bite.

When you make Britney, Queen of Scandalous Things at the VMA's (snakes around head, making out with Madonna, failed attempt at her comeback) THEN you know you should tone down the creepiness. So GaGa, nice try trying to hit on Britney. She's not having it. As Chris Crocker would say, "Leave Britney alone!" (for only this one time).

Best GaGa Wannabee

Nicki Minaj.

When you look like this >>> it's a sign that you are trying way too hard, Nicki. Keep the face mask on, lose everything else.

"Oh crap, I lost my stuffed animal. Have you seen it?"
"Yeah, Nicki Minaj is wearing it."

Best Biggest Hyped Performance That Lacked

Lil Wayne.

It started off great, until his second song when he bounced around the ground like a bunny, took off his shirt to reveal his droopy pants that needed to be hiked up (hey bud, you're not in jail anymore), and then gave us all the impression he was going to show off his awesome guitar skills. But instead, because this is the 2011 VMA's (where we recognized the problems with today's music), he tossed the guitar over his shoulder, air guitared it, then smashed it into shambles to symbolize the downfall of today's music.

So did you miss the 2011 VMA's? Well, there's everything you need to know about. Crossing fingers that the American Music Awards are better.

The Coachella Experience

Oh Coachella, you are a magical place of wonders. Not only do you get the greatest bands to perform at your festival, you force all the normal people to dress up like hippies, and you bring out almost every single celebrity for one giant celebrity hippie fest.

Now, most people were not lucky or rich enough to snag a Coachella ticket. Tickets sold out in just a matter of 5 days. So if you are one of the many unfortunate ones, I'll tell you what you missed out.

First, open up Youtube. Coachella was streaming on Youtube for the whole world to see. Pretty cool, right?

Oh, I'm sorry. I need to talk Coachellan.

It was totally far out, man. If you didn't have enough bread to check out the groovy bands, Youtube streamed all the performances. So go watch the highlights. I recommend watching Mumford & Sons. It was so boss, dude. Ya dig?

This year's festival headlined Kings of Leon, Album of the Year winner Arcade Fire, everyone's favorite interrupter Kayne West, The Strokes, Black Keys, The Chemical Brothers, Bright Eyes and Mumford & Sons.

But of course, let's not forget the celebrities. A $300 dollar ticket is really a hundred bucks a day to see your favorite bands, plus celebrities frolicking through the fields of the ritzy Empire Polo Club in Indio, California. This year, quite a few celebrities were spotted. Vanessa Hudgens was caught doing drugs eating melted white chocolate from her fingers with her rumored boyfriend Josh Hutcherson. Emma Roberts and "Glee's" Chord Overstreet were spotted making out. Does this mean a new Taylor Swift song is in the writing process? Then there was Katy Perry waving a light saber because she's so extraterrestrial. Apparently Paul McCartney went incognito, and Jack Dawson Leonardo DiCaprio, Rihanna and Robert Downey Jr. all let their inner hipster come out. That's a whole lotta freaks in one vicinity.

But let's point out the totally rad drama that any celebrity obsessed dude would pay $300 for. Camilla Belle, plus Ashley Greene, plus Joe Jonas equals serious awkward tension. Who wouldn't want to be there to witness that? Seriously, where was Taylor Swift during this? Not only was her VMA interupter headlining, but her ex boyfriend, her "Better Than Revenge" inspiration, and last dating victim were all there.  You can't write that stuff. I'm sure she would have a gas writing all those songs. She could have had enough material to write her fourth album. But no, she has to be traveling for her sold out world tour. Only lame people do that...

And if you're a fan of getting loaded on acid (I disapprove, but some people live for that stuff) Coachella at night will make you double check your drink for any psychedelic drugs. This year, Coachella had an outta sight lit up display of dandelions, swans and cassette tapes, plus many more. Maybe this is the cause for everyone to magically turn into a hippie the second they walk through the entrance.

Now you listen to the music. Golden. You have the bread for a ticket. Winning. Oh shoot, we can't talk Charlie Sheen. I don't know if the Coachellan's accept that. Anyways, so how do you dress like a hippie a Coachellan? Simple.

1. A true Coachellan doesn't wear shoes. But if you're not a reg, flip flops and TOMS work just fine.
2. Girls wear headbands, guys wear bandanas--neon colored bandanas
3.  Hipster glasses. Ray-Bans, aviators, those sunglasses from the '90s. What are they called? I don't know, but you gotta wear them, man, if you wanna be hip.
4. Straw fedora hats, trucker hats, floppy hats, you know, hats not sociably acceptable anywhere else but California's Coachella
5. Flamboyant colors. Ditch the snooze fest white, black and grays. You need be a walking acid trip. Even if you're a straight cat or chick, it's all about the color. Bring out the neons and the flower prints.  Flower power, man. It's 1969 2011!
6. Glowsticks. Come on, you need to add to the overall trippiness.


So there you go. A Coachella wrap up in just one blog. And hey, you got to miss out on the scorching hot weather. Indio, California's average temperature for the month of April is 87 degrees. You know you don't live in the magical land of California when your state's average temperature is 35 degrees. Yay for real life.

Peace out and stay hip.

Friday and Rebecca Black not bi winning

Do you wish you can find a way for you not to look forward to Friday?

Well, good news. There is a song out there that will make you officially hate the most beloved day of the week.

It's called "Friday" by Rebecca Black. And if you don't know what order the days of the week are, the 13-year-old will help remind you in the song. Kind of like how Gwen Stefani taught the world how to spell bananas and Fergie taught us how to spell her name. Rebecca Black is teaching the world (someone has to if the government is anti-education). See, this what happens when you ruin those teacher unions. You have Rebecca Black teaching life's fundamentals. "Yesterday was Thursday. Today is Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards." Thank you, Rebecca! To me figuring out what day of the week is like solving those exponential equations that I hate so much. Now I can sleep at night.

Black is a songwriting felon. I just listed ways NOT to write a song, and she goes out and does everything I said not to. Maybe she doesn't understand the concept of bolded words. From the wise words of Charlie Sheen, this video is not winning, and her songwriting is bi losing.

"Seven a.m., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal. Seeing everything, the time is going ticking on and on, everybody’s rushing. Gotta get down to the bus stop. Gotta catch my bus, I see my friend."

Great lyrical rhythm.
 
"7:45, we’re driving on the highway cruising so fast, I want time to fly. Fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is."

No, I don't, and nowhere in the song do you ever tell us what "it" is.

And then she sings "we    so excited" about five times. Rebecca, use a verb please.                            ^(insert verb here). If you're teaching the world, we have to know verbs too. Thanks.


Then to make it worse, some random rapper comes in and doesn't sing about Friday. Yes, Jesus answered my prayers. But instead, the rapper talks about speeding in the fast lane and passing by the school bus that I'm guessing Rebecca waited for at the bus stop before she saw her friend. And how is that relevant to how much fun Fridays are?

Fun, fun, fun, fun.

If you have not checked out the revolutionary song that might top all of the Lennon/McCartney songs combined, and the video that is 2011's  new "Telephone," (except minus GaGa, Beyonce, and those honey buns) check it out. You will never be the same, and this will not make your Friday a "Bi winning Friday."
 
DISCLAIMER:
You will hate Fridays.

Enjoy.

                   

Let's talk...how NOT to write a song in 10 easy steps

Are you a songwriter? In a band? Or just like to throw words with melodies?

Wonderful!

Writing a song is simple. Jot down a couple of lines, throw in some clever rhymes, add at least three chords. There, you have yourself a song. But writing a GOOD song is difficult, and only a handful of people can achieve this. Sadly, a lot of  times, those good songs are never discovered, and we're stuck listening to that stuff on the radio.

So how should you not write a song? How to stand out from the crowd? Simple.

1. Don't express your love for your favorite sports team and title the song "Color One and Color Two" and have those colors sung over and over again and call it the chorus. Great that you have team pride, but we don't want to hear it in a song.

2. Don't ask what your name is. 1. You should already know the answer...Rihanna. 2. Why?...just why make a song out of it?

Don't have your singing partner ask you to solve a math problem pertaining to square roots, and then he tells you he can't figure it out. Great, and the point of having that in your song is...? (the square root of 69 is 8.3 if you really need to know...Jimmy. Aubrey Graham. Drake)

3. Don't describe something as woe. ex: "She's got a love like woe. I kinda feel like it don't make sense..." You're right. It doesn't make sense.

4. When you write a song, you should not be taking the time to toast to the douche bags. Just don't run up on stage and ruin Taylor Swift's moment and you're good. Problem solved.

5. Don't use an already bad 80s song as the chorus, and for the verses you write a horrible rap, add synthesizers, and then call it "the dirty bit."

6. Don't use "bow chicka wow wow" as part of your lyrics AND title of your song. It's not cool in spoken word, and it's definitely not a way to bring home a lady, guys. Even if you look like Mike Posner, have Lil' Wayne by your side or play it on a guitar, you're not going to get a girl that way. Buy roses or something else.

7. Don't repeat a syllable of a word a million times during the chorus. Umbrella ella ella ay ay ay.or OH OH OH OH-OH my god, I think I have a migrane.

8. Can we pretend like airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?....No all Facebook users and Hayley Williams. Follow the rules, it's a shooting star. Wishing on a airplane instead of a shooting star is basically saying, "I'm too lazy to wait around for one every 10 minutes. Let's wish on the next best thing that flies across the sky." You are not the only exception...sorry Hayls. Be patient.

9. Learn English. I'm a writing minor and sometimes typos slip up, it's ok, we all make mistakes. But intentional typos? Really?

• "Saying blah blah blah 'cause I don't care who you are in this bar, it only matter who I is."
• "And yes of course we does we runnin this town just like a club..."
• "I kinda feel like it don't make sense..."

 I like Ke$ha, don't get me wrong, and I know two of these are directed towards her (this is what happens when you throw Ke$ha, Dr. Luke and her songwriting posse together). But...let's use the right words, you know, sound like you got a 1500 on you SATs. I know you have the smarts in you, Ke$ha. Show it!

10. Please, please, please DON'T use shorty/shawty. It's worse than hearing long, sharp nails sliding down a chalkboard.

I don't understand pop music.

Let's talk...the Grammy's

For musicians and music lovers, the Grammys is the Super Bowl, except for Christina Aguilera remembered the words this time. Good job girl! You're working your way back up in your career and that stage that you fell off.

Now, if I got the chance to give out awards for the Grammy Awards, the awards would go as follows:

Best Performance
Katy Perry

In the past, Katy Perry seemed to concentrate more on how her performance looked rather than how her voice sounded. 2010 Teen Choice Awards when she sang "Teenage Dream" she was pitchy during the whole performance and the 2010 MTV Movie Awards where she was too busy surfing on a surf board to sing her own hit song. The back tracks did her job for her during the chorus. But Perry actually sang this time, no back tracks, no pretentious sets or costumes. The audience got 100 percent of Perry. She started singing her ballad "Not Like the Movies" on a swing and lifted up as video clips from her wedding played on her enormously long dress. Best performance moment of the night and her best performance I've seen. And she sounded pretty amazing too.

Worse Performance
Bob Dylan.

I don't care if he's a legend. His voice sounded like he has been chain smoking for 50 years and thank god that microphone didn't amplify his voice anymore. The only good thing about his performance was Mumford & Sons and the Avett Brothers behind him playing, and the little contribution Dylan made with his two note riff on the harmonica. Your voice has seen better days Dylan. Time to retire.


Biggest WTF Moment?
I would give it to Lady GaGa hatching from that egg, but then Cee Lo Green and the Muppets took the stage.
1. Cee Lo Green, get out of that NBC peacock costume. You're on CBS.
2. Forget the words? It looked like it.
3. Big Bird called. He wants his neighbors back. Sesame Street is a little lonely.

Funniest Inappropriate Joke
Seth Rogen.

As Rogen was introducing Eminem, Rihanna, and Dr. Dre, the comedian said, "It's my first time at the Grammys. I'm having a spectacular time so far. I've seen things I've never seen before, I'm hearing things I've never seen before. And I wasn't even watching the show. I was backstage getting high with Miley Cyrus."

40 percent of the joke was funny. Any Miley joke is great. That's what you get when you made how many mistakes Miley? But 60 percent was because he really crossed that line. Seth, it would have been successful if you were 1. not at the Grammys. It would have worked on a talk show or SNL. And 2. If Miley wasn't in the audience. Just a little too soon to be joking about it in front of her. But nice attempt. You had Usher and Beiber laughing.

Performance Most Likely to Give You an Epileptic Seizure
Arcade Fire.

Congrats to Acarde Fire for beating out Eminem and Lady GaGa for Album of the Year. It's great that an alternative band was recognize, instead of the most popular singers, even though Eminem, GaGa, and the rest of the nominees deserved to be recognized for their albums.

But Arcade Fire, calm down on the strobes. I couldn't even see you guys from those lights. I wasn't even there and I was getting a headache from your performance. You know people can get sick from those? Let's be cautious next time.

Biggest Upset

Hi, Esperanza Spalding. My name is Morgan. And you are...?

Justin Beiber, Drake, Florence or Mumford & Sons. Beiber was the favorite to win since 2010 was an amazing year from him. But some jazz artist took home the Grammy. Are you still wondering who she is? Well, let's Wikipedia that information:

She's a 26-year-old multi-instrumental jazz bassist and singer.
He first album "Junjo" came out in April 2006.
First jazz artist to receive the Best New Artist Award.
Is the new victim of death threats made by the Bleileber cult fan group

Most Valuable Nominee
Lady Antebellum.

The country trio won a total of five awards, including Song and Record of the Year. They represented country music at an award show that usually recognizes popular music, including rap, rock and pop. The country awards usually are not televised, so go Lady Antebellum for sweeping those awards and representing country music.

Worst Dressed
I'm usually not in to the fashion at all. But Nicki Minaj obviously didn't understand "101 Dalmatians" if she dressed up as Cruella DeVille. Does she know that the dog killer is ranked 39 on AFI's list of 100 villians"? Guess not. As a person who has a dalmatian, I am not impressed. I give up on trying to understand her. She's a walking question mark.

Artist Who Looked Like the Biggest Creeper
John Mayer.

The newest inventions came out. They're called a razor and a hair clipper. Go invest 10 bucks in them.


That's sums of the 2011 Grammys. It's alright Beilebers. Maybe next year. In the meantime, as Chris Crocker would say, "Leave Esperanza Spalding alone!"